CHRISTINE describes her fantasy about being dominated:

“I find it really difficult to relax and enjoy sex. I just can’t stop thinking about my husband’s pleasure and whether he’s really enjoying it, and that stops me from being able to focus on what makes me come. I’ve never had an orgasm during penetrative sex, although I’m sure I could if I could just relax. That’s why when I masturbate I imagine that he pins me down, won’t let me move my arms—he holds them together above my head, and he uses his other hand to hold my hips in place. Then he grinds into me, pushing right on my clitoris and I don’t have any choice but to come.”

DEBORAH describes her flower fantasy:

“I’ve always wanted to do it in a field of flowers, but in my fantasy, we’re doing it, the man I’m with has pulled my dress up and we’re hot and sweaty, and then we hear the grass around us rustling, like someone’s walking nearby. The man I’m with stops, stays inside me, but stops. We both wait and don’t hear anything and then the man I’m with slowly starts thrusting again, but this time without so much movement, just deeper inside me. We’re still being really quiet. We hear more footsteps. It carries on like that, stopping and starting, not knowing if those footsteps are going to get closer and we’ll be found.”

WANDA describes her anal fantasy:

“My husband and I have great sex but for some reason we’ve never explored anal stimulation and it’s a bit of a disappointment to me. I feel it’s a bit too late now to suggest it! So anyway, in my fantasy, my husband and I are about to have dinner in a restaurant. I’m wearing a long dress that is very low-cut at the back. As we get to the table, he pulls out my chair and inadvertently puts his thumb down the back of my dress and touches my bottom. It feels so good that I shudder and he notices. All through dinner I’m excited and as we leave to go to the car, he lets his hand slide down to my bottom again. By now I’m very, very wet and desperate to get home. But on the drive home he doesn’t touch me. I’m squirming on the seat with anticipation but wondering if he’ll know what to do when we get in the door. “He closes the door behind him, goes to take my coat off so I turn my back to him. He lets the coat fall and rubs his stubbly chin all the way from the back of my neck down my back to my bottom. There, he grinds his chin into the top of my bottom, then kisses it, then licks it until suddenly his tongue is inside my anus. I’m already exploding when he moves the palm of his hand under me and onto my clitoris and pushes on it—as he does that, he pushes my bottom into his tongue even further, it’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever felt. Then I come. And wow, it’s the best orgasm in the world.”

OK, so enough about her, what about you? Your fantasies aren’t all that different from hers, according to surveys, but there are still things you’d like to have a go at and she certainly has issues with some of your sexual daydreams. Find out what they are here.

Telling her about your fantasies

So she’s asked you to tell her what you fantasize about—be very careful! Women think they want to know everything—I do—but in reality we really don’t want to hear that you fantasize about having sex with anyone younger, prettier, or more exciting than us. (Or anyone older, uglier, or more boring—that’s just weird.) Test the waters by telling her you’ve had a strange sexual dream—it’s the easiest and safest way to gauge her response.

If you do talk about it and your fantasies are more hardcore than she expected, she may question how much satisfaction you get in bed with her—even though you may not want to act out your fantasies with her or anyone else. If, for example, you like to imagine having sex like a Hell’s Angel on a Harley and you usually do it in bed when she’s got her “good” white nightie on, then she’ll feel stupid for thinking you had a good sex life—she will think that you’ve been wishing she’d get a tattoo, start drinking beer, and swear profusely. So opt for telling her fantasies that are more racy versions of what you do already, rather than radically different new acts.

One of your favorite fantasies: threesomes

It’s not one of the most common fantasies for women, but one in four say they’d like to try having a threesome, according to one magazine poll. Before you get too excited, though, be aware that the poll didn’t specify whether women wanted a threesome with their partner and another female, or a partner and another male. Don’t assume her threesome fantasy is the same as yours!

Putting a fantasy like this into reality is risky: most couples who try it find it affects their relationship in a negative way, mainly because it introduces insecurities and jealousies. Possibly one of her—and your— fantasies that’s best left as that.

The fantasy you must never share: another woman

Whereas the majority of people in couples have loving erotic daydreams about their partners, 15 percent of men and 12 percent of women fantasize about random strangers; 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women think about a friend; and a further 15 percent of men and 11 percent of women do the downright dirty and fantasize about their ex. Is it a problem to think about someone else while you’re sexually ruminating? No, it’s really not. We dream about a lot of things we don’t actually need or want in reality—and it’s the same for our sexual dreams. When it does become a problem, however, is if you are having to think of someone you know in order to orgasm when you’re with your partner or while masturbating. You are effectively replacing your partner with that person, and that indicates that you’re not really physically or emotionally attracted to the person you’re with. But there’s no doubt about whether or not you should let her in on any of these “other women” fantasies: no, no, and no. Some secrets should stay that way.

Your fun fantasy: costumes

Most women love to get dressed up, but that love may not stretch to include a policewoman’s or a nurse’s outfit. Unless you know for sure that she’s up for acting out the part of Officer Pussy or Nurse Naughty, the worst thing you can do is to go out and buy her an outfit as a surprise. Instead, peruse an online sex-toy shop together—most have a full range of products, from condoms, lubes, vibrators and French maid outfits to chastity belts, anal beads, and latex body suits. She can pick something she’d like to wear, rather than you surprising her with an outfit that’ll stay at the back of her cupboard, never to see the light of day or night.

Want to live the dream?

If you do choose to act out any of her or your fantasies, be aware that it’s highly likely to be a disappointment. It’s not unusual for a favorite daydream to come true, only for the dreamer to find it wasn’t quite as wonderful as they expected: that job you’ve always wanted turns out to be hell on earth; the woman you thought you loved turns out to be a raging maniac; the tranquil beach holiday you booked features irritating flies and tourists that weren’t in the brochure description. And it’s exactly the same with sexual fantasies—often, they’re best left just as they are: as thoughts that inspire you or her.

If you do have an experience that doesn’t work out as planned, assuage each other’s disappointments by having good, loving sex… soon after. It’s a good way to ensure the intimacy you feel during sex hasn’t been lost or replaced by the other experience.

The devil’s in the detail, and never more so than when it comes to women’s sexual fantasies. Elaborate storylines, perfectly imagined looks and an exact touch-by-touch process is what gets a lot of women to orgasm.

The “clean-living, filthy-thinking woman”

The notion of the uptight and prim woman who goes wild behind closed doors is your fantasy. Yes, some women may well have repressed sexual feelings that explode once you get them into bed, but it’s certainly no guarantee. Repressing your sexual feelings isn’t healthy, and I’d hope that most women these days realize that enjoying sex is a good thing, not something to be ashamed of.

The other common misconception is that you can turn your “good girl bad.” It’s an idea based on the notion that experimenting, loving and wanting sex is “bad.” And while being “bad” is something some women may aspire to, it supports the idea that women are naturally less inclined to want sex and that that’s how they’re meant to behave. Please! Time to drop this notion once and for all—women love sex, want sex, and enjoy sex just like you do; it’s just that we’ve had years of social conditioning telling us it’s “bad.” Stop!

Her secret fantasies

You’ll be surprised at what goes on in 49 percent of women’s minds. According to a Cosmopolitan poll, that’s the percentage of women who dream about sex with their partner. Sweet. But before you settle into feeling smug, consider this: most of those women tend to fantasize about situations or sex acts they don’t usually enjoy with their partners. If only you could find out what her fantasies were…

Talking about her fantasies

You can’t read her mind and you’d be a fool to try to guess: the best method to get her to open up is to show and tell yourself. Tell her about a “dream” you’ve had, detailing sex with her; if she’s got any fantasies she’d like to share, this gives her a perfect opportunity to reveal all.

If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to try playing a game—telling her your fantasies in exchange for hers. But rather than jump in there with, “You, dressed as a nurse and I’m your sick patient”—she probably already knows how much you love to be nursed—play a game that allows you both to explore different possible fantasies. Each write down a list of ten fantasies, not your fantasies, just sex acts or scenes that could happen. Make at least five of them acts that you’re not interested in, and the other five ones that you are. Then go through each of them, talking about whether you would want to try any of them. By including fantasies you’re not really interested in, it takes the pressure off, as it allows either party to expose their secret fantasies without being laughed at and without shocking their partner.

Her favorite fantasy: the fireman

According to the aforementioned poll, women’s number-one situational fantasy is that she’s trapped in a building and you’re a fireman who rescues her. Uniforms, phallic water-hoses and hard helmets aside, what’s the attraction? This is an extra-safe form of a domination fantasy. When the woman is rescued by the fireman, he has total control of the situation and she is vulnerable. She experiences fear, which heightens her senses, but her fear is of the fire, not of him. Then he saves her—and now she feels indebted to him, too, setting a perfect scenario for a steamy lovemaking session.

So how can you make her fantasy come true without the very real—and highly un-erotic—danger of a fire? You can’t rescue her from something genuinely terrifying, but you can rescue her from her day-to-day life. Rescue her from the shopping, from her hard day at work, or from her nightmare relative—take control of a difficult situation and make it better. If it doesn’t have the effect of making her tear off your clothes and leap into bed, at least she’ll be grateful for your help—and in the long run that will equate to more loving for you.

Her most realistic fantasy: outdoor sex

Public sex is the experimental sex most women would like to try, according to the same poll mentioned earlier, with 74 percent saying they’d give it a go. But forget the toilets, the local park, or bus shelter—it’s far more likely she’s thinking about the beach, which was the favorite fantasy location for women. Sex on the beach has been made desirable in numerous films, as well as a rather delicious cocktail, but in reality it can be downright uncomfortable. Sand in your sandwiches is one thing, but sand sandwiched in your salami or her burger buns is an entirely different thing! The key to making it romantic—and successful— involves taking adequate protection. And I’m not just talking condoms—it goes without saying that you should use those. You need to take a waterproofbacked blanket, because that’s the best way to ensure sand doesn’t work its way through and it keeps you both warm, too; you’ll also need a windbreak, not just to protect you from the breeze but also from prying eyes. Finally, don’t forget to put suntan lotion on your sensitive parts—you don’t want to burn your behind.

Her secret fantasy: erotica

There’s a good chance that fantasizing about nudity is a big part of her arousal when masturbating—and that looking at erotica turns her on, much as it does for many men. However, she may not even realize that she’s aroused by looking at naked bodies. According to one university study, even those women who claimed they were not turned on by erotic films displayed signs of arousal, such as engorged genitals and lubrication, when shown such films. But don’t be surprised if your personal DVD collection does nothing but disgust her—pornography is usually designed along very specific lines: lots of close-up shots of genitalia, women who enjoy being penetrated from every possible angle and from any man, however unattractive, and virtually no story line. It rarely touches on the many different factors that are involved in the sex we enjoy in a relationship—the build-up, tension, different rhythms and speeds, varying techniques and ways of touching, scenarios and situations, and, of course, emotions. And before you scoff at emotions being important to great sex, think about the best orgasm you’ve ever had. Was it while watching porn? Was it on a one-night stand? Most likely, it was with someone you cared about. That’s emotions for you—so powerful they give you better orgasms.

The kind of erotica she’s more likely to enjoy

As I’ve said, pornography is very much about the sex act, rather than the lead-up or emotions involved—and women can find this aspect of it offputting. It also often presents an unrealistic picture of sex: soft lighting, models’ buff bodies, and camera angles make everyone look fantastic. And just as you will probably compare the size of your penis to the guy’s on the DVD, she’ll be comparing herself to the women she sees—which can lead to insecurities. For these reasons, it’s imperative that you allow her to lead the way when viewing erotica. If she’s comfortable with the idea, let her choose what to watch. Women haven’t grown up with a culture of watching erotica, unlike many men, so give her time to find her feet, discover what she likes and what she doesn’t. And if she decides the magazine or DVD is not for her, respect her decision.

If you’re not even sure whether she’d like any erotica, start with a beautiful coffee-table photography book, or watch a film with sensuous scenes in it—there are plenty of both that are considered art rather than pornography and it’s a good way to gauge her response to the naked form.

Another of her favorite fantasies: girl on girl

Dipping a toe in the lesbian lake holds far less fear for women than a homosexual experience does for men—as many as 61 percent of women in a poll by erotic magazine Scarlet said they’d like to give it a try. Full steam ahead then? Not so fast, sailor. This isn’t a fantasy about threesomes, it’s a fantasy about lesbian sex—and that may well not include you.

If her lesbian fantasy doesn’t include you, do keep in mind that it is a fantasy; just as you probably have sexual daydreams that you don’t actually want to follow through, so may she. If, however, your girlfriend wants to make her lesbian daydreams a reality but doesn’t want you to be part of them, then you have to question her commitment to you. It doesn’t matter what gender the other person is—by having sex with another person you are changing the status of your relationship.

Her pain fantasy: a little bit of slap ’n’ tickle

She may fantasize about being lightly spanked, having her hair tugged, or even being bitten. These acts all have the effect of bringing blood to the surface, which makes the area even more sensitive to touch (unless you overdo it and the area becomes numb). Making this fantasy a reality is relatively easy, but, as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s essential you use a code word to say “stop” to ensure you don’t cause her real pain.

Thinking about sex certainly makes you want it more. It’s partly why the first few months of sex with a new partner are so amazing—you spend most of your time when you are apart thinking about what you’ll do to each other when you see them. And that’s why fantasies and sexual daydreams are great. It’s whether or how we put them to use that can cause problems. When most people hear the term “sexual fantasies” they think of unusual or clichéd sex fantasies—orgies, doctors and nurses, or whip-wielding dominatrixes. But according to a survey of more than 6,000 people by Men’s Health magazine, the most common sexual daydream for both genders is far more mundane—it’s simply good sex with their partner. Don’t rest on your sexual laurels just yet, though—you’re both fantasizing about good sex, but you might not be getting what you want in bed. And that’s where fantasies can help, if you share them.